Have A Merry Unchristmas

Dec 24, 2020 23:45 · 677 words · 4 minute read Tags: fiction

Cancel Christmas


To: Elementary and Secondary School Educators

From: U.S. Department of Education, Office of Elementary and Secondary Education, Anti-Racist Enforcement Bureau

Date: December 24, 2021

Subject: Anti-Racist Responses to “Holiday” on December 25

We hope your celebration of last month’s Unthanksgiving Day was restful, fulfilling, and solitary. Curfews, self-isolation, and Digital Vaccine Passports are sacrifices we must make for the indefinite future. We look forward to next week’s rollout of Pfizer-BioNTech’s subcutaneous monitor and transponder. It will be worth it if the implants save even one life.

Our third year of distance learning is only a few exciting months away. As you know, the U.S. Department of Education’s new Anti-Racist Enforcement Bureau is responsible for providing expert guidance to the schools of our vibrant democracy regarding their compliance with our holistic American values of diversity, multiculturalism, and LGTBQIAP+ plus ally pride.

It has come to our attention that religious extremists have been mailing offensive documents relating to a holiday that takes place this month. Impressionable schoolchildren may have been exposed. The material includes references to “God” and “Jesus” and other divisive topics that have no place in today’s environment of tolerance. As the U.S. Supreme Court recently reminded us, hate speech is not free speech.

The iconography of the holiday celebrated on December 25 is overwhelmingly white, male, heteronormative, patriarchal, trans- and pedo-phobic, and not shared by our Muslim and Bright brothers and xisters. Independent researcher confirms that associated ceremonies amount to an “uncanny valley of shiny-teethed, blow-dried heteronormative whiteness.” Research published by Cambridge University Press confirms that racial minorities are “caricatured in the sleigh narrative.”

Thanks to the New York Times' Pulitzer Prize-winning 1619 Project research, we know this country was founded not on Christian principles, but on racism. We cannot rest until all racist thoughts, and anyone suspected of harboring them, are purged.

We call your attention to President Harris' proclamation last month ending the distasteful event previously known as “Thanksgiving” and replacing it with the unifying celebration of Unthanksgiving. Even the now-jailed criminals who seized power in the previous presidential administration realized it was necessary to designate a Native American Heritage Day. We are pleased to partner with YouTube to promote this great leap forward.

While there is never a good time to encourage heteronormative, patriarchal, and colonialist activities, the identification of COVID-21 has made any gatherings around December 25 particularly worrisome. Such gatherings make racism a public health crisis. Fortunately the CDC has assured us that the COVID-21 emergency restrictions are temporary until we can flatten the curve in 2023 or 2024.

The Bureau thanks our patriotic Silicon Valley companies for providing AI models that have been trained to identify gatherings on December 25. Photographs, social media posts, emails, location information, and other data will be scanned for violations of the emergency COVID-21 restrictions and appropriate steps taken. You can help in this important task by reporting your students and their families.

Great thinkers say: “The struggle for justice is an ongoing and necessary pursuit that should prevail over laws and institutions.” You may want to remind students that Hitler celebrated the December 25 holiday and condemned “the cowardly Jews for breaking the world-liberator on the cross.” Newsweek reminds us how December 25 remains linked with white supremacy today.

Understanding those values is not enough. We must remind ourselves that, like any other type of behavior change, inclusion is a process of identifying key moments in which to build new habits or “micro-behaviors.” We need to disassociate ourselves from racists, white supremacists, December 25 partisans, and owners of assault rifles. Fortunately the last problem has been addressed through President Harris' recent executive orders.

In other words, inclusion means exclusion. As stewards of our children’s education, this vital process begins with you.

In a society like ours that requires aggressive improvement, it is not enough to distance ourselves from discriminatory, racist, and anti-American “celebrations” like the one on December 25.

It is not enough to stop recognizing this date as a holiday. We must strengthen our resolve. We must commit ourselves to being anti-Christmas.

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