Awomen to That

We interrupt your celebration of the impeachwoment of President Trump for incitewoment of violence and appeasewoment of gun owners and other domestic terrorists to bring you an important message about language.

We must make awomends for centuries of sexist language. The abolishwoment of hateful, discriminatory, and white supremacist terms like “male” and “men” must be our top priority. This requires adjustwoment and constant improvewoment.

For instance, those of us with front holes do not “menstruate.” We womenstruate.

We will no longer seek to protect the “environment.” Banning fossil fuels and purging Trump supporters defends Mother Earth by protecting the environwoment. We must perwomanently girlcott any business that disagrees.

It is time to diswomantle millennia of oppression. Geologists will study sediwomentary rocks. Biologists will understand that flowers do not have “stamens,” but stawomens. Architects will design womansions for our huwomanitarian leaders. Writers will no longer turn in “manuscripts” but womanuscripts. Musicians will play the womandolin. Cats will have womange. Catholic and Orthodox priests will celebrate the sacrawoments, or else.

Our partners in the United Nations will exert their influence on recalcitrant states who must comwomence renaming. We welcome the nations of Turkwomenistan, Taswomania, Owoman, and Gerwomany.

Let the womanagerial class unite. We offer our endorsewoment of President-Elect Biden and Vice President-Elect Harris as a down paywoment and atonewoment for generations of hatred and bigotry. Justice and anti-racism dewomand no less.

Of course we must draw the line somewhere. We will not allow terms like “unwomanageable,” “arguwomentative,” “judgwomental,” and “womanipulative.” That would be sexist.

It is a testawoment to their trewomendous courage that our governwoment leaders have taken action against the impediwoment to democracy who inhabits the Oval Office. This begins the process of healing and reconcilewoment.

We now return you to the imwomense task of removing the current president from polite society. We must hope for an indictwoment, criminal judgwoment or commitwoment, and, preferably, a more perwomanent solution. We cannot afford clewomency. The mowomentum is on our side.