Bob was grateful to be one of the new congressmen elected in the aftermath of the left’s armed insurrection of December 2020.
The year after the Troubles was a heady time. Old Glory flew proudly once again. Normal Americans wanted to make sure things like the siege of the White House and the Battle for Trump Tower would never be repeated. At least the USS Dwight D. Eisenhower had arrived in time to save Mar-a-Lago from being pillaged by a mob of unmarried, unhappy, gender studies majors from Duke.
Before the attempted putsch, Bob had served his country and raised a family and pretty much wanted to be left alone. That meant golfing, watching sportsball, and sliding his 1967 Corvette through the twisties around Front Royal in Virginia. After the Troubles, though, Bob knew he had a duty to run for office to rebuild democracy.
The Supreme Court’s decision in December 2020 had left Biden voters incandescent with rage. That did not translate into an ability to project force. Once workers in rural California turned off the power, the mobilized Tesla battalion of diversity consultants and 19-year old CEOs from Silicon Valley had to hoof it. They were mopped up by an army of patriots in diesel pickups descending from the Sierras. Portland and Seattle surrendered 48 hours after Trump-voting truckers halted deliveries of Red Russian kale, baby arugula, and barista-grade unsweetened pea milk.
Fighting was most fierce in Washington, D.C. The conspirators had plenty of gender-switching blue-haired commies and inner-city gangs carrying Glocks in their underwear, but not much training. Their troops proved better at reconnoitering microaggressions than battlefields. Coed enlistees who rejected the unsubtle advances from gang members were told that acquiescence would rescue them from their own racism. A post-coup investigation found most of the People’s Democratic Army casualties came from friendly fire.
By Tuesday the rebellion was over. The last revolutionary, that middle-aged actress from Charmed, was discovered by Quantico’s Marine Security Battalion in a subbasement closet of the Old Executive Office Building gibbering something about trying President Trump for treason.
A few conspirators were imprisoned for a year, while the others were let go after promising not to do it again. The U.N. High Commissioner for Human Rights was pleased that her recommendation for a general amnesty was accepted. Everyone agreed that most important thing was for America to be respected internationally by human rights paragons like Saudi Arabia and China.
Bob’s first order of business in Congress was to restore the Second Amendment. He remembered how Texas patriots had traced the BLM bombers to UT Austin’s Gender Sexuality Center. The only rebel to get off a shot at the patriots was found with her brains explosively decorating a stylized poster of Che Guevara courtesy of a 6.5mm round from 800 yards. The rest of the terrorists were lured from the Center for Women’s and Gender Studies through the application of oat milk pumpkin spice vegan lattes and avocado toast on gluten-free rye.
A New York senator, suspected of organizing the rebellion but never indicted, advised Bob to wait until tensions were lower. That way everyone would get along and there would never be a repeat of Baltimore. Long-serving Republican legislators suggested that maybe federalism meant states should set their own firearm laws. Bob wondered why GOP leaders changed the subject when he asked if abortion could be handled the same way.
Bob then introduced legislation to allow churches to conduct services if stores were permitted to open during pandemics. He was informed it discriminated against Satanists and this period of national reconciliation was not the right time to propose anything divisive. Drag queens showed up on the Capitol steps with 8-year olds in fishnets to accuse churches of exploiting children. Bob’s bill died after pot stores and doggy nail salons argued they would be closed to spite churches, and therefore the legislation violated the First Amendment.
At one point Bob proposed dialing back affirmative action because it stoked racial grievances, contributed to the Troubles, and had left Detroit a smoldering ruin inhabited only by feral dogs.
Fox News paid an ex-girlfriend to say Bob’s antique German Walther P38 meant he was a Nazi. A video was made of the failed Georgia gubernatorial candidate twerking in a thong on the House floor to protest Bob’s white supremacism. YouTube promoted a version of the video set to The Internationale until it topped 1 billion pageviews. Universities made her historic if hardly callipygous protest against a home-grown Nazi mandatory viewing. Anti-racist activists took to the streets with punching bags painted to look like Bob’s head. House Republican leaders responded by transferring Bob to the Diversity and Inclusion subcommittee.
In 2024 Bob campaigned on preserving American democracy. A few older patriots mumbled that America was a constitutional republic, not a democracy, but the media informed everyone that was racist. After the Washington Post dismissed it as a “talking point pushed by the ultraconservative John Birch Society,” those patriots were fired from their jobs, lost their bank accounts and homes, and ended up living in dumpsters. Because this represented the free market in action, the Libertarian Party published a press release applauding this triumph of American democracy.
Unlike in 2020, there was no evidence of fraud in this election. Even Bob agreed that Democrats played by the rules. Everyone knew that the rules of our enlightened democracy allowed anti-American billionaires to spend an unlimited amount to defeat candidates suspected of harboring conservative beliefs. The rules let legacy media air flaming swastikas whenever a Republican was mentioned. The rules had rid the Internet of conservatives, who were trying to figure out ham radio instead. By this time many of the patriots who quelled the insurrection had died off, with gender-confused types wearing commie dictator T-shirts replacing them in the voting booth.
It was a rout. Democrats took advantage of their majority to enact the Worker’s Newer Greener Equaler Deal. It included open borders, a 100 percent top tax rate, hiring quotas for Satanists and pedophiles, bans on fossil fuels, gender surgery for 3-year olds, reparations for trannies, and a psychological test for anyone hoping to possess firearms. Anyone who noticed that the test excluded Trump voters, churchgoers, and the heteronormative was accused of being anti-science and possibly injurious to themselves or others.
The Supreme Court had been reconstituted after two conservative justices were taken out by the John Brown Gun Club during the Troubles. The new Republican-appointed justices, vetted by the Heritage Foundation and the American Enterprise Institute, immediately upheld the Worker’s Newer Greener Equaler Deal. Everyone understood that democracy had worked. The rules had been followed. It only took a week for the confiscation squad to seize Bob’s 1967 Vette for pollution crimes.
Around the same time a crew of Mexican previously-illegals broke ground on a Section 8 housing project next door. An anti-racist mob of Somalis led by a hijab-wearing congresswoman descended on Front Royal and began burning down houses with white supremacist American flags as the police found somewhere else to be. The Somalis left the Bandera de México tricolor flag on the construction site where the Mexicans had erected it. Torching that would have led to charges of anti-immigrant hate crimes. Instead the mob locked a few local couples in their cars and burned them alive to celebrate the fact that peace and reconciliation through the Worker’s Newer Greener Equaler Deal had finally arrived.
The next morning Bob was found dead in his home. Bob had two gunshots in the back of the head, so the media declared it to be suicide. Oddly, the same thing had happened to his cousin years earlier. Everyone agreed that even if he did not kill himself, a Nazi like Bob surely deserved what was coming.
Bob’s last thought was how happy he was that democracy had been saved. If Democrats and their socialist allies had been allowed to bypass the democratic process, who knows what kind of disaster might have arisen. America was fortunate that democracy had been preserved so future generations would be free.
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